Anything But a Sprinter

Non-Van Travel Options

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since Bad Girl passed. Mostly in the bargaining stage. And what I’ve landed on is: maybe we’ve been too attached to the concept of a van. Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. Maybe there are other ways to bring music and good vibes to every corner of the map.

I have prepared a formal list of practical alternatives.

BALLOONS
Leading with the most whimsical option. No engine. No transmission. No leaking exhaust. In 2025, Jack put our whole show on wheels. I think he’d be down to tie it all to helium. I have some open questions about gear weight and wind patterns over Indiana and I am choosing, at this time, not to ask them.

ROLLING CHAIRS
Speaking of wheels! I have seen with my own eyes what this band is capable of on a mild downhill and it was genuinely faster than I expected. Could we average 11 mph in formation on a slight grade? Based on available evidence, yes. Gear follows separately, somehow. This is a logistics problem and I am an artist.

THE MERCH CART
Another wheeled option, my trusty steed handles a mega load of merch every gig. What’s to say with a few more bungees we couldn’t get eight bodies and a smidge of gear onto this contraption? It won’t go very fast. It will probably tip over. But I can steer if someone else pushes, and $0 on gas is what we’re all about.

THE LITERAL MYSTERY MACHINE
Pictured above is a cheap imitation of the cartoon vehicle I am pitching. As Sneezy already projects a cartoon vibe, like rockstars straight out of Recess, I propose we go full 2D. I propose If we combine our music magic with Mystery Inc., we create a super Scooby gang. With expansive cartoon logic, everyone fits on four wheels. They’ll solve mysteries, we’ll play shows, and everyone will swap snacks. The Quik Trip hates to see us coming.

HORSES
This was taken in January, in Key West. Right before the engine started smoking on the drive home. I would like everyone to notice that I am standing between two horses and I look completely at peace. That is not a coincidence. This is a horse girl in her element. Every time I ask the boys to put a pony on the band credit card, they think I am joking. I am never joking about horses.

MAGIC CARPET
The Sneezy rug that I display outside the merch booth has collected more than sand and spilled drinks from our travels. I am convinced that with enough pixie dust and jam sections, the carpet could fly us to the gigs. Blue the poodle has already approved the prototype. He napped on it and floated to his favorite park (perhaps at the same time). If it's good enough for Blue, it is good enough for seven musicians. I will not be taking further questions on this.

Ok…. none of these are happening. But getting back on the road is.

The GoFundMe is live, and we’re at $19,380. If any part of you has ever shown up to a Sneezy show and felt something, donate. Even a little. When April’s done, we’re done, and we may very well have to consider one of my pitches. I hope it’s the horses.